


believe it or not (i’m walking on air)

by horologiums_time



Category: The Greatest American Hero
Genre: Angst, Body Swap, Crossover, Double Drabble, Drabble, F/M, Friendship, Ghosts, Humor, Pre-Canon, Prompt Fic, minor crossover with the x files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-09-16 15:25:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 5,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16956552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horologiums_time/pseuds/horologiums_time
Summary: Drabbles based on one word prompts.





	1. Cable

**Author's Note:**

> what’s up i’m clocks and i have done nothing but hyperfixate on this show for a week
> 
>  
> 
> disclaimer: i do not own these characters or the show which is really disappointing

The steel cable bends easily in his grip and he spends a few seconds twisting it into a pretzel. It’s like tying a knot with a piece of ribbon, he finds out, and is disproportionately pleased about it.

“Ralph,” Bill barks, and Ralph almost drops the cable. “Quit makin’ balloon animals and tie these two up, will you?”

Two would-be robbers are slumped against the wall. One dazed, the other out like a light; they won’t remember Ralph’s superheroics, thankfully for them.

“Right,” Ralph says, and tightens the cable in a perfect bow around them. 

Bill smirks. “Cute,” he says.


	2. Stretch

Kevin watched as the Super Friends yet again saved the day — this time with help from Plastic Man; a man who could stretch _any_ part of his body.

“How awesome is that?”

Ralph looked up from his book. “What’s that, Kevin?”

“Plastic Man!” Kevin pointed at the TV. “Isn’t he cool? He can stretch and become anything!”

“Anything?” Ralph echoed, smiling at Kevin’s enthusiasm.

“I bet that would be a really cool superpower to have,” Kevin said. “If I was a superhero, I’d want that power. What about you, dad?”

“I think I’d want the power to fly instead.”


	3. Weight

He became aware of the harsh coughing coming from the dust, muffled behind a wrecked car. With barely any effort, he hefts the car up above him, holding it tightly as he searches for any injured.

His eyes land on a couple of teenagers, and his heart skips a beat. He’s seen those three before, in the halls of Whitney High-

“Mr. H?”

Ralph freezes, and turns to meet the surprised faces of Rhonda, Tony, Cyler, and Rodriguez, huddling together by a downed pole.

At that moment, Ralph wants nothing more than the weight of the car to crush him.


	4. Rational

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: The Greatest American Hero, S01 E02

Pamela Davidson considered Ralph Hinkley a rational person; he was a teacher, and a loving family man.

The Ralph she had found in the hospital was beyond anything rational. He had stood in a bright red suit and pointed at walls and ranted on about not being able to fly before he promptly stole her keys to escape.

And now he was tearing down the road, rambling about aliens and the suit which he thought was ridiculous and driving haphazardly as he stared at the mirrors in the car.

Pam gripped her seat tightly, and wondered what had happened to him.


	5. Care

“I don’t believe it, Ralph,” she spits. “It’s like you don’t even care about Kevin!”

The door slams, leaving him to stare at the battered wood. His hands are shaking so he jams them into his pockets and blinks away the mist in his eyes.

Damn it, he _cares_ he left a babysitter it’s not his _fault_ -

He’s breathing hard as he collapses onto the couch. A sob bubbles in his throat, threatening to spill, and he wraps his arms around his knees. He screams into his legs, and thinks about a time when the suit wasn’t in his life.


	6. Sound

If the red jammies weren’t enough, the clunky headphones swallowing Ralph’s head certainly were.

“Stop laughing,” says Ralph. “I can _still_ hear you.”

“I was hardly chuckling, kid,” Bill says, and Ralph shoots Pam a pleading look.

Pam’s barely holding back a smile of her own. “Bill, try being a little quieter — those are the best pair of sound-canceling headphones I have.”

Ralph is shoving them into his ears. “Not good enough, Pam; Bill can’t breathe normally for the life of him.”

“Hey!” Bill almost ignores Ralph’s wince. “I breathe perfectly fine.”

Pam sighs; so much for a lazy Saturday.


	7. Outfit

“Hey, Mr. H,” says Tony as he walks into class. “What’s up with that red shirt you’se got under your clothes?”

“What red shirt-“ Ralph starts before catching himself. He’s wearing the suit today — Bill’s insistence. “Ah, that.”

“Yeah,” Tony says. “Why are you wearing it? It don’t look that good with your jacket.”

There’s a lot he could say. How he can’t not wear it because he was the one chosen to. How he wishes he’d never gotten it because all he wants is to be normal again.

“Well, Tony,” Ralph says instead. “It’s just part of the outfit.”


	8. Hand

She holds his hand and it’s hot enough to warm her own hands in an instant against the harsh cold. The warmth floods up her arms and swirls around in her body and she sighs and lets her head fall against his chest, to listen to the strong heartbeat, to solidify the fact that he’s there and that she’s safe.

He throws and tucks his cape around her, allowing the heat of the suit to seep into her and warm her enough to stop her chattering teeth.

He presses a kiss against her head, and she knows she’ll be okay.


	9. Code

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: There’s Just No Accounting..., S02 E18

A shiver runs up his spine and centers at the base of his skull, and he’s being pulled towards the wall with a fancy painting. A vibe.

“How about a safe?”

He parts the air and the painting follows, revealing a metal door. There are other vibes he can feel, but not like this; it’s radiating the vibe like mad and it’s like somebody’s stabbing a needle into his neck.

He points at the safe, and within his mind he travels the mechanics of the lock, picking through until he finds the right code.

A click, and the safe opens.


	10. Chair

Bill blinked against the lights of the ship. His shoulder throbbed with pain, and one of his ribs was definitely broken.

A man’s face leaned into his, sneering. “You may have found us, Maxwell, but you’ll never get out alive.”

“Go to hell,” Bill spat.

The man pouted. “If you’re going to be like that...” He pulled out a gun. 

The hammer clicked back.

A hollow _thwack_ sounded, and the man crumpled.

“Counselor!”

Pam threw the now broken chair to the side.

“Let’s go, Bill; Ralph’s already taken care of everyone,” she said.

Bill was all too happy to follow.


	11. Glow

“Ralph? Ralph! Where the hell are you?” Bill hissed into the darkness. His flashlight was dead, and the power to the building had been cut out.

He scanned the pitch black room for his friend. Ralph wasn’t making this easy.

Bill peered into the dark.

Two glowing circles peered back at him.

“Jesus Christ!” Bill yelped. He blindly grabbed for his gun.

“Bill,” Ralph’s voice called. “It’s just me!”

“Ralph?” Bill froze. The circles blinked. “What’s with your eyes?”

“I dunno,” Ralph said. “But I can see everything clearly.” The circles disappeared. “C’mon, I think I found the way out.”


	12. Formation

Sam Wright blinked at his instruments. There was one too many dots on the radar: a lone dot outside of the formation. From the calls over his headset, he figured the others had also noticed it.

He peered out of his plane…

And did a double take.

Flying — actually _flying_ — slightly below him was a blonde man in a red suit and a black cape. 

The man glanced at Sam and gave him a nod and a grin before he quickly banked down and away from Sam’s plane.

Sam wondered if anyone had slipped him any alcohol before he’d left.


	13. Plagiarize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: Captain Bellybuster and the Speed Factory, S02 E20

He was Captain Bellybuster, and that man was not.

It was like the blonde man took one look at the Bellybuster costume and plagiarized it.

Mickey’s costume was a lighter red than the man’s.

His emblem was a burger; recognizable to children everywhere. The man’s emblem made no sense.

He was proud to wear the costume; the man was itching to tear his own off.

He didn’t have superpowers; the man did things that seemed almost superhuman.

He was well known; the man was an enigma.

He wanted to know more, but they had other things to worry about now.


	14. Series

When Ralph opened the door to his house, it was to the TV blaring and Tony and Kevin sitting in front of it.

“Tony,” Ralph said slowly. “What are you doing in my house?” He paused. “Again?”

Tony didn’t look up. “Kevin found this new superhero series, Mr. H. ‘S kinda cool.”

Ralph watched for a moment.

It was not, in fact, a superhero show; it was one of those supernatural speculation shows that aired alleged Bigfoot sightings. Not superheroes, usually.

A low quality video of him flying played, and he was already running out the door to get Bill.


	15. Image

“I can’t believe this,” Bill groused. He pivoted his body a few degrees left, his eyes never leaving the mirror. “Oh, _boy_.”

“It’s not that bad,” Ralph said. “Now, you get to wear the suit.”

Bill shot a glare at Ralph, and was met with a sheepish grin from his own face. 

He was not in mood to deal with this today.

“Ralph,” Bill said sharply. “I am having _major_ image issues right now.”

Ralph frowned, crossing his arms. “What’s wrong with my body?”

“Lots of things,” Bill gestured vaguely. “You’re way too short. And your hair is a nightmare...”


	16. Bend

Five hours to the next case and Bill would not mind seeing a few buildings once in a while, but all the desert is giving him are sad looking shrubs.

John taps the steering wheel to the tune on the radio; he’s even humming too. He doesn’t look as bothered by the long drive as Bill is and Bill envies that.

Bill looks over the files for the seventh time in the hour. _Possible drug ring. Major operation. Bag these guys and win it all._

Five hours to the next case and the desert road stretches on without a bend.


	17. Land

Jamie Hayes glanced up from her book just in time to see a figure land hard on their feet, falling from God knows where and startling her.

The figure — a man with a halo of blonde curls in a fire truck red costume — shakily straightened. He looked down at his feet on the cracked (cracked!) pavement, grinned a wobbly grin, and let out a triumphant cry, bouncing enthusiastically.

“I landed!” the man laughed. “I landed! I actually landed!” He yanked out a small gray rectangle from his sleeve. “Bill! You won’t believe this!”

Speechless, Jamie promptly returned to her book.


	18. Determine

“Is it an animal?”

“Nope.”

“Is it…a thing?”

“Nah.”

“A person,” says Paco resolutely.

“Yep.”

“Is your person a guy?” asks Cyler.

“Yes.”

“Is he blond?” asks Rhonda.

“Yup.”

“Do we know him?” Rhonda again.

“Yeah.”

“Is he a student?”

“No.”

Cyler purses his lips. “Does he always get called a super dude by crazy people?”

Tony is silent, then, “...yes.”

Bingo. “It’s Mr. H.”

A chorus of groans erupts from the group. “Come _on!_ ”

Cyler tallies up the points. Eight to six to three to five. He’s winning.

“Screw you, man.”

“That’s another for me, Villicana. My turn.”


	19. Agent

“Bill Maxwell, FBI!” Bill barked, pulling out his badge despite Ralph’s protests that _he really, really didn’t need to do that._

The man and the woman were quick to take out badges of their own. “Special agents Mulder and Scully, FBI!”

Both pairs fell into a stand-off, badges hanging in the stale air of the warehouse. Convenient that all of them are working on the same case — more the merrier and exactly what none of them wanted.

The silence stretched on awkwardly.

“Uh,” Ralph broke the tension, bemused. Three pairs of eyes fell on him. “Ralph Hinkley, high school teacher?”


	20. Pigeon

Ralph’s never actually _perched_ somewhere before to watch people, but he much prefers it now because a laughably low amount of people actually look up at the rooftops of apartment buildings.

The only problem is the feathery neighbors.

“Go away,” he hisses and probably would have thrown the offending pigeon across the city if he wasn’t trying to be discreet. “No, get away!”

The bird tries to gore him with its beak in revenge; of course, it doesn’t work, but it’s annoying nonetheless. He smacks it away.

“I’m sitting somewhere else next time,” Ralph grumbles, and hops off the building.


	21. Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: Train of Thought, S02 E09

It took longer than they would have liked, but they finally found it. With relieved expressions, Bill and Pam pulled the red suit out of the pile of garbage. It smelled terrible — a concoction of coffee grounds and rotten food — but it was the greatest thing they had ever seen.

Ralph stared at it with disgust, not half as excited as Bill and Pam were. He shot them a withering look; if he didn’t want to wear it before, he sure as hell wasn’t going to do it now.

It was a shame, then, that he didn’t have a choice.


	22. Eyes

Being hugged by a suited Ralph, Bill knew, was near torture; little gauge on strength and an unfortunate propensity to hug for much longer than necessary.

Seeing the overflowing excitement in Ralph’s eyes after the day’s particularly successful mission, Bill resigned himself to his fate.

Ralph wrapped his arms around Bill, lifting the man up and nearly crushing his ribs as he danced around energetically.

Then he suddenly pressed a kiss to Bill’s cheek before letting him go to do the same with a nearby Pam, who didn’t protest as much as she was amused by Bill’s completely mortified expression.


	23. Abnormal

It felt a bit odd, standing there in her kitchen and stirring cream into her coffee and not having to drop every prearranged agreement she had at a moments notice for almost a full two weeks now.

Her eyes kept glancing at the telephone, expecting a call at any time telling her to cancel a date or fill in for something, but the phone remained silent.

The news had been a bit dry lately; even the FBI appeared to hardly have anything itself at the moment.

It was nice, and Pam planned to make the most of this abnormal normality.


	24. Dead

Ralph fought to keep himself from rounding on the trailing man and yelling at him. You’d think someone would take one look at the suit and then turn the other way.

As it was, the man wasn’t doing that.

“Do you mind?” Ralph snapped, finally stopping to face his follower, half expecting the man to be recording him.

Instead, the man froze, his mouth agape. He looked as though all of the blood had left his face. “You can see me?”

Ralph blinked, thrown off by the question. “Of course.”

“But, that’s not possible,” the man exclaimed, bewildered, “I’m _dead!_ ”


	25. Canvas

“I must say, you are really quite talented, Ms. Herriot. Your colors are _astounding_.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Grant! I do tend to focus on the colors in my work; it’s kinda dull here, you know, so I just — yeah.”

“I know what you mean. And what about this one here? Over by the blank canvas?”

“Hmm? Oh, that one. I’ve been sorta working with more daily life kind of things. Mainly other people’s lives and what not. It’s still a work in progress.”

“Ms. Herriot, is that a _flying man?_ ”

“You’d be surprised at what counts as ‘daily life’ here.”


	26. Momentum

As soon as they dipped in the air, Bill braced himself. Though he’d deny it later, he was screaming in tune to Ralph’s own panicked squawks as they plummeted to the ground.

They landed roughly on a roof, Bill’s momentum carrying him several feet while Ralph was sent off the roof entirely and into a (luckily) empty apartment.

Bill listened to the tail end of a concrete wall getting a hole punched through it as he laid on his back and tried to regain his breath. He knew Ralph was fine, but him?

Bill grimaced. He should’ve stuck with driving.


	27. Coast

She’s seen the coast several times before, but never like this.

Pam wraps her arms around Ralph’s neck securely and she watches in awe as they pass over miles upon miles of shoreline illuminated by the evening sun.

For once, she isn’t concerned about Ralph’s track record with flying; carrying her bridal style seems to be somewhat easier for him than someone piggybacking, so it’s been a rather smooth flight for them both (Pam is more than grateful).

Ralph kisses the crown of her head. “Happy anniversary,” he says softly, and Pam can’t think of a better way to celebrate.


	28. Break

David watched nervously. The prisoner seemed entirely too nonchalant being shoved into a concrete room with rope tightly binding his wrists. 

David had covered many prisoners since the operation began, but none of them like the blonde man; he looked more unpredictable, and, even as the heavy steel door was locked, David felt no safer than before.

It was ridiculous, really; the man looked too weak to do any harm. David shook his head and settled into a nearby chair, preparing for the long shift.

The squeal of hinges breaking was the last thing David heard before everything went black.


	29. Brown

“What did you do?” Pam’s voice was tight and sounded like she was one breath short of fainting.

“Nothing!” Ralph said quickly. “Well, nothing permanent, I hope.”

Incredulous, Pam grabbed the nearby mirror — a small, compact thing — and aimed it at Ralph. “‘Nothing’?”

The warm brown eyes he’d usually see on Pam and Pam alone stared back instead of his own blue. He didn’t need to look at the rest of his face to know why Pam was showing him the mirror.

“...would you have liked it better if I had done Bill instead?” Ralph offered with a weak smile.


	30. Shock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: The Greatest American Hero, S01 E01

Tony kicks the bumper of the bus and ignores both the jarring shock and Cyler’s glare. He’s gone over the entire contents beneath the hood and not a thing was out of place; the bus really had just decided to die on them in the middle of the desert.

Expecting a snarky remark from Cyler but not hearing one, Tony looks away from the engine to find Cyler staring at the night sky, along with the others.

Tony’s question dies on his lips when he too looks up to catch the sight of unnaturally bright lights dancing in the sky.


	31. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: The Greatest American Hero, S01 E01

He had drunk so much that when he woke up the next morning, he looked like literal garbage — with a killer migraine to boot.

Bill was no stranger to alcohol. He drank with friends and family and sometimes maybe to forget some mistakes but nothing too crazy.

Of all his years alive, he didn’t usually drink this much. But what else are you supposed to do when you see your dead partner descend from a flying saucer to give you and some random guy a suit? 

One change in the status quo, and already his life had turned to hell.


	32. Storage

If Pam wasn’t so polite, she would’ve left the conversation before the man even got five minutes into it and gone back home. Instead, she sat at a table with Bill and listened to the man talk nonstop for at least 45 minutes.

“Now,” the man was saying, “I do have a book about what Ralph might be in the library’s backroom storage. I can give it to you guys after this...”

Bill leaned towards Pam and, under his breath, murmured, “And I thought it would be easier if people thought Ralph was an alien.”

Pam was inclined to agree.


	33. Distort

Ralph knew it was a little rude to be focusing on something other than his dinner and the person in front of him, but it was a clear night and they were out on the patio of the restaurant. He watched the stars as they twinkled, distorted by the Earth’s atmosphere but nonetheless beautiful.

“Do you think we’re alone in the universe?” he asked suddenly, causing his dinner companion to start.

“Pardon?” Pam had been absorbed in divorce paperwork and her food.

“Do you think we’re alone in space?” Ralph repeated.

“Oh,” said Pam, then she looked up at the sky. “I don’t know.”

“It wouldn’t be possible, I think,” Ralph said, now animated. “There’re planets just like Earth; they could support all kinds of life.”

Pam smiled, amused. “I thought we were here to talk about your divorce, Mr. Hinkley, not about aliens.” She stirred her drink. “The court date is coming up.”

“I know,” Ralph said, pulling a face that lasted for only a moment before being replaced by a boyish grin. “But think about it. There could be tons of aliens out there, maybe even near here!” He stared at the stars in wonder. “You’d never know.”


	34. Sense

They’re barely making progress until Ralph suddenly seizes up and stops dead in his tracks.

“Smell something, boy?” Bill can’t help but say; his partner looks just like a bloodhound catching a scent — eyes scanning and stance rigid.

He’s rewarded with a scowl. “Shut up,” Ralph hisses. “There’s a vibe here.” He points at the wall he’s nearly shoulder to shoulder with. “Right here. I can sense it.”

“Well, quit yappin’, kid, and get holographin’,” Bill says, and is somewhat disappointed by Ralph’s lack of attention to his rhyming. “Carlisle’ll have my hide if we don’t crack this case soon.”


	35. Ice

Ralph was standing on ice, which wasn’t much of an achievement; anyone who lived somewhere cold had walked on ice before. Even in places extremely hot like Southern California, there were ice rinks.

But they weren’t on a ice rink, or somewhere remotely cold; they were outside in Palmdale, it was 100 degrees, and Ralph was standing in the middle of a lake.

Bill lowered his binoculars and wiped his brow. “Don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier; kid’s a walking freezer.”

Beside him, Pam glared. “Now, why couldn’t you have thought of having him stand over _here?_ ”


	36. Smell

“Do you smell that?”

Bill glared from his position on the floor, sprawled out on the hard steel. “Ralph, now’s not the time!” He stretched out his hand. “Help me up, will ya?”

Ralph pushed the hand away, shaking his head. “It almost smells like…”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence when a stream of fire suddenly engulfed him from the waist up. Bill jerked back and pressed himself against the floor, trying to avoid the scorching flames.

The fire sputtered out, leaving a completely unscathed, if slightly ashy, Ralph in its wake.

“...gas,” Ralph finished, looking distinctly nonplussed.


	37. Acceptable

It takes time to decide who would be the next to wear the suit when you are the only one to look for them this time.

He watches and watches and he listens and records and waits for the right human to show the right qualities to be the hero of the planet.

Vienna has an acceptable actor, while Los Angeles has a promising teacher, and Tokyo has a respectable nurse. And, on the ship, there are hundreds more like them.

The screen flashes with the lives of the chosen humans and he waits.

Waits until he finds the one.


	38. Hesitate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: Here’s Looking at You Kid, S01 E04

She’s not sure what she’s expecting when she reaches out; she knows that despite what she’s seeing (or _not_ seeing), he’s still right there, sitting next to her on the couch.

She hesitates. “Ralph?”

“Still here, Pam,” He picks up on her unspoken doubt, and it’s evident in his tone.

Her hands are met with invisible fingers that thread their way into her’s and she nearly pulls away.

His voice is soft. “I’m here.”

Their palms press together and she can feel the warmth of his hands.

And when she closes her eyes, it’s like he wasn’t gone at all.


	39. Firefighter

Ralph had been the recipient of thousands of odd looks ever since he got the suit, but none where as incredulous as the ones he got from two firefighters after he smashed through a burning door and stopped before them without so much as singed hair.

“Hi,” he said after a moment and gave them both a smile, which wasn’t returned. He pointed behind him. “I, uh, found a way out. It should get you out of here safely.”

They didn’t reply, both too flabbergasted to do so.

Ralph nodded emphatically. “Great!” With that, he dove out the nearby window.


	40. Track

Not many of his teachers would readily join him in running around the school’s track on a cool, drizzly day.

Then again, none of them were like Mr. H.

The young man — if one said he was often seen as a teacher among his students, that would have been a lie — had almost boundless energy, and took up his student’s invitations to anything active. He was enthusiastic to spend time with all his pupils, something that Tony found weird for a teacher to do, especially for students like him and his classmates.

Then again, Mr. H wasn’t a normal teacher.


	41. Detective

Looking at the scene before him, Thomas Randall uttered the first thing that came to mind.

“Jesus Christ.”

The officer beside him made a sympathetic noise. “Just not your day today, detective.”

Thomas didn’t bother responding. He ran a hand through his hair as he stared at his car — now practically unrecognizable with the deep dent in its hood.

“You won’t believe how it happened,” the officer continued. “Witnesses say it was someone in a red costume that did this; landed right on your car, pried himself out of it, and then walked away like it was nothing! Crazy, right?”


	42. Rock

Carlisle looked over the report in disbelief. He read and reread the words again and again, but nothing was adding up.

“Other than the usual spelling errors, your report is...fine,” Carlisle finally said. “But explain to me how a _rock_ ended up totaling your car.”

“I was in the mountains,” was all Bill said, ending the words with his trademark noncommittal shrug and innocent look.

Carlisle gave him a hard stare; Bill was obviously lying, but Carlisle, like always, had no proof.

“Get out of my office, Maxwell,” Carlisle growled and snapped the report closed, pointedly ignoring Bill’s grin.


	43. Buffet

“I think that went pretty well,” commented Ralph as he buttoned up his shirt.

From the passenger’s seat, Pam glared at him. A stream of ranch dressing dripped off her chin and her hair was matted with spaghetti sauce. Beside her, Bill wasn’t much better off. “For _you_.”

Ralph gave her an innocent look, but there was mirth in his eyes. “We got the bad guy, didn’t we?”

Pam scowled, crossing her arms, and Bill grunted.

“Yeah, we got ‘im alright,” Bill wiped the ketchup off of his suit. “Remind me to never chase a perp into a buffet again.”


	44. Beach

The Californian beach stretched on, the ocean falling on the sand in calm waves. Sitting on a beach towel not too far away from the shore, Ralph was beginning to think this trip was the best he’d ever taken.

In his lap, Kevin pointed at a nearby seagull and babbled incomprehensibly, delighted about seeing the bird. Beside him, Alicia sat and read, the gentle breeze carrying her hair, her hand in his.

Everything was calm and serene and perfect; there couldn’t’ve been any better day possible.

Ralph leaned his head back and let the sun take away all his worries.


	45. Potential

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: The Price is Right, S03 E02

Price Cobb didn’t think Ralph could _actually_ play football well enough to even begin to win the game; the man was near scrawny and never focused on sports like he did academics.

But, here he was, in _his_ locker room taking _his_ pads and jersey and pulling them over his ridiculous red suit that he never took the time to explain (and didn’t wish to; Price wasn’t about to open that can of worms).

Price couldn’t deny that Ralph had potential, though; despite his build, Ralph apparently kicked well, and Price hoped that it was enough to win this game.


	46. Excavate

Terrance cringed at the sound of metal crunching that came from the pile of debris they were excavating. Henry yanked at the controls and the excavator’s arm pulled up from the pile, revealing the now warped teeth of the bucket to the stunned men.

A man dressed in a red suit suddenly wadded out of the dirt and concrete. He glanced at the bucket, grimaced, then turned to them. “Sorry about that,” he said apologetically before picking his way out of the debris.

Henry watched as the man stumbled over the rubble. “Hey, I know that guy,” he said inanely.


	47. Slam

“Counselor! Tell Ralph he’s got a date with a scenario tomorrow!”

“Pam! Tell Bill I can’t because I’ve been swamped with work!”

The front door slammed as the two men entered the room at the same time. Ralph all but threw his briefcase onto the table and plopped himself onto the couch next to Pam.

Pam kissed Ralph on the cheek. She didn’t miss Bill’s petulant frown. “Sorry, Bill, but I’m siding with Ralph on this.”

Ralph shot Bill a triumphant grin, and Bill looked like he might’ve murdered him right then and there had Pam not been with them.


	48. Temple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode tag: Divorce Venusian Style, S03 E01

The only thing that’s keeping Bill from losing it is the pressure of Ralph’s temple against his shoulder and the pained groaning that had yet to subside (and Bill hopes to God it won’t).

Not having to pay attention and drive, Bill watches the unsteady rise and fall of Ralph’s back instead, mentally willing the aliens to make the car go faster because he isn’t sure how much longer Ralph can hold on; between Ralph’s fingers trickles blood, staining his clothes in a dark red splotch.

Bill hugs Ralph closer and prays to the heavens that they aren’t too late.


	49. Pile

Kevin looked up from his pile of comics, not yet packed away into the suitcase his dad had given him to help carry all his things to his mom’s house.

He didn’t want to go to another house just to see his mom; he wanted her to be here, with dad and him like it was before.

“Do I have to go?” Kevin blurted.

His dad gave him a sad smile. “Your mom wants to see you too, Kev.”

“But I want to stay with you too!” cried Kevin. “I want to stay with both of you! This isn’t _fair!_ ”


	50. Crystal

He didn’t know what Pam saw in him; had he not had the suit, maybe he would’ve. But, as now perhaps the most unreliable person on Earth, he was certain Pam would’ve been much happier with another guy.

“Do you really want to get married — to me?” he asked quietly, not quite looking at her.

There was a shuffling of feet and suddenly Pam was _there_ , capturing his mouth with her own in a deep kiss — something Ralph had no qualms returning.

They broke away, breathing heavily. “Did I make myself clear?” asked Pam, watching his face.

Ralph grinned. “Crystal.”


End file.
